I’m beside myself about the gun vote yesterday.  Every time someone brings up the subject or I read another story about the reasons why 46 of our elective representatives in Congress failed to support sensible gun control legislation, my heart races.  It’s racing right now.  First, let me quickly clear something up in case you don’t know.

Senator Harry Reid of Nevada, historically a gun rights advocate, voted FOR the bans on assault weapons and large magazines, and initially voted FOR the expanded background check legislation.  He changed his vote to a NO in order to have the ability, as Majority Leader, to bring the measure up again (parliamentary procedures).  So don’t send him hate mail.

President Obama is as angry as anyone and quickly reminded us that the fight is not over.  And it isn’t.  One of the greatest reasons why the NRA/gun lobby is so effective is because they’re successful in getting their troops in line.  The NRA has roughly three million members, depending on whom you ask.  The population of the U.S. is over 300 million.  Yet when you hear about senators’ offices being flooded with phone calls, emails, and texts, it is not we who support the Manchin-Toomey amendment they’re talking about.  It’s the gun lobby.  Are we really so lazy that we’re okay sitting back and letting the parents of the Newtown victims do all the dirty work?  Have you called?  Have you emailed?  Emails are easy, and while several of my missives may have fallen on deaf ears, several did not.  Just Tuesday, I received a note from Montana’s Jon Tester explaining why he’s my friend:  “The Manchin-Toomey amendment is carefully crafted to make our communities safer while strengthening the Second Amendment rights of law-abiding Americans.  Having read the amendment closely, I believe it strikes a careful balance, and I will support it.”  He made other points, all illustrating his commitment to educate his gun-loving constituents on the reasons why they would NOT be affected adversely by this sensible, meaningful bill.  How can North Dakota be so different?  Yet Democrat Heidi Heitkamp voted No.  Flood her offices with phone calls and emails.  What do you have to lose?!  Nothing.

At dinner with friends last Saturday night, we were discussing the issue of gun control.  My overarching take on the subject is, and has always been, clumsy but passionate.  In my heart I believe, simply, that less guns means less death – if not tomorrow than somewhere down the road.  And while I hate to compare apples with oranges, consider the smoking issue.  However we did it – turning smokers into modern-day pariahs – less cigarettes has resulted in less death.  I’m aware there’s no equivalent amendment in our constitution guaranteeing a person’s right to smoke (and everyone still has that right, just in fewer places) but, like MADD, we’ve adjusted our mindset and our expectations of each other.  In regard to gun legislation, Margaret Talbot in The New Yorker this week got it on the nose:

“It’s true, too, that a background check would not have stopped Adam Lanza, who had no criminal record, and whose mother had reportedly bought the guns he used in Newtown.  But laws influence culture, just as culture influences laws, and if Congress enacted a serious piece of gun-control legislation perhaps that might initiate a subtle shift in American attitudes toward guns, and that might eventually lead some parent with a deeply troubled, deeply isolated son fascinated by violence to think twice before turning the family home into a munitions depot.  Conversely, if lawmakers won’t pass even a modest reform supported by the vast majority of Americans, they will be capitulating to the N.R.A.’s corrosive view that the only answer to gun violence is more guns.”

In fact, that’s not the answer.  From Ezra Klein’s Six facts about guns, violence, and gun control (The Washington Post, July 2012):

“Last year, economist Richard Florida dove deep into the correlations between gun deaths and other kinds of social indicators. Some of what he found was, perhaps, unexpected: Higher populations, more stress, more immigrants, and more mental illness were not correlated with more deaths from gun violence. But one thing he found was, perhaps, perfectly predictable: States with tighter gun control laws appear to have fewer gun-related deaths.”

THIS IS NOT OVER.  Flood the Senate with your thoughts.  Just one email.  Just one text.  You’ll sleep better tonight.

The text from my friend Tracey asked simply: “Is Doug in Boston?”  For the past two years, my husband has run the country’s oldest, greatest marathon – but not today.  I texted back a simple ‘no’.  When she responded, “Good year to miss”, I asked why and then quickly thought to check Google News.  I heard from several family members and friends over the course of the next two hours, wondering if the husband was running.  Again, he wasn’t.  So when I subsequently contemplated how best to approach this latest horrific incident with the girls when I saw them at school, I was grateful I didn’t have to start with, “Your dad’s okay but there was a bombing at the Boston Marathon.”

I’m sad.  Aren’t we all?  And now to hear one of the dead was an 8-year-old boy – how do we handle this newest tragedy?  It’s Monday so I’ll talk about motherhood because many of these big, bad events have happened since I’ve had children.  On my own, I can foam at the mouth and call my friends, cry, and ask questions.  In regard to Phoenix, Aurora, and Newtown, we can righteously fight for more effective gun regulations.  But 9/11 and now today in Boston leave me searching for a meaningful approach with the girls.  How can I best assure them that this country remains a mostly safe and worthy place to live?  That life itself should not be approached tepidly simply because there are a few bad guys out there?

What I really wanted to say to my daughters was “I don’t want to talk about it” and “It’ll never happen to you” – but the former is unacceptable and the latter I can’t say with certainty.  We knew someone who died in the South Tower on 9/11.  The husband wasn’t in Boston today simply because he missed qualifying by a minute or two.  Am I scared?  No, but that didn’t stop me from crying while watching the news.  Every time something like this happens, I do think, It’s official. We’ve broken the world and now I have to tell the girls. But I can’t do that because deep down, I don’t believe it’s true.  In the words of my beloved Pink:

“Just a second, we’re not broken, just bent.”

And in terms of our dinnertime conversation this evening, I had to use the words of Mister Rogers.  Perhaps you saw this on Facebook after Aurora or Newtown.  It’s appropriate for today:

“When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, ‘Look for the helpers.  You will always find people who are helping.’  To this day, especially in time of disaster, I remember my mother’s words and I am comforted by realizing that there are still so many helpers – so many caring people in this world.”

We’re with you Boston.  We care.

I had little love for the “Mad Men” season opener; it was bound to happen.  For years, I didn’t care much that these people were mostly dreadful – selfish, greedy, gluttonous.  They embodied nearly all the seven deadly sins, but their approach was so stylish and compelling, the husband and I returned week after week to Don, Betty, Roger, Pete, Peggy, and Joan.  Last Sunday, however, they lost me.  In a series of vignettes not connected in any obvious way, the arcs of their characters appear to have hit permanent plateaus.  Betty remains chubby, detached, and obliviously cruel.  Don is still a sullen cheater, allergic to happiness.  Peggy has become Don.  Roger takes up space, and Pete – well, Pete is Pete.  There’s not a cheerful one in the bunch.

We’re halfway through Netflix’s “House of Cards”.  Kevin Spacey portrays Majority Whip Frances Underwood in a D.C. environment so contemptuous, if it’s anything like the real deal, we all should kill ourselves right now.

Look this way and that – on television, in the movies, at the grocery store, the dog park, Starbucks – and you’ll find cynicism as quickly as you’ll find joy – no, faster.  This is nothing new.  It’s easier to criticize than compliment.  I’m as guilty as the next person, but it wasn’t always this way.  My glass is still half full but just and I know why.  We feed off each other; our inner curmudgeons win the battle for our souls more often than not.  On any given day, I’m going to have ten conversations and six of them will be negative.  We’ll complain about Washington, the weather, traffic, our WiFi connection, the job, the boss, school issues, children who don’t make their beds, Washington, wrinkles, parking at Trader Joe’s, bills, aches, pains, more bills, allergies, our ‘inbox’, spam, dust bunnies, acne, Washington, the spouse, the house, the car, red lights, coffee that’s too weak, coffee that’s too strong, leaf blowers, Washington, and the printer (because printers rarely work).  Then we’ll complain about those who complain all the time.

Believe me, there are real issues about which we should be upset.  But everything else has a bright side, if we’re interested in considering it.  Sure, sometimes it’s more entertaining to be Eeyore than Pollyanna, but it can often wear us down, too.  I’m sick of being weary.

The husband and I went out the other night and returned home to dirty pots and pans that the girls had failed to clean up after dinner.  I was ready with my anger and disappointment until the husband showed me this letter from Miss T:

Silver linings abound.

(The following is an interview with an imaginary Republican congressman, Rick Offenbach, from Wisconsin.)

Daily Cup:

After Newtown, after the murder of 26 people at Sandy Hook Elementary, the tide turned in favor of more gun control legislation.  The thinking, from Democratic leaders and even some Republicans was, “Surely we can do something.”  Now, almost four months after twenty 6- and 7-year-old children were gunned down in their classroom, new legislation to reduce gun violence is not only disappearing, but existing laws will possibly be weakened.  Republicans in congress insist they will filibuster any attempt to infringe on 2^nd Amendment rights.  Dead children be damned.  You were one of the most outspoken among them until…

Rep. Rick Offenbach:

Until my 12-year-old son was shot and killed at a baseball game.

Daily Cup:

I’m sorry for your loss.  What happened?

Rep. Rick Offenbach:

His team was struggling so the coach was trying out different things.  He pulled the starting shortstop and replaced him with my son.  The other kid’s older brother, Nate, was…disabled.  He used to play baseball himself but was hit in the head by a line drive while pitching a few years back.  Suffered a TBI (traumatic brain injury).  Couldn’t make much sense of life.  When he saw his little brother sitting on the bench, I guess he got mad, thought he could do something about it.  Showed up at a Saturday game last month and started shooting.

Daily Cup:

He killed the coach also.

Offenbach:

And an umpire.  Then he killed himself.  They always do, don’t they?

Daily Cup:

He used a Glock?

Offenbach:

With 30 rounds.  Two other people were injured.

Daily Cup:

And so you think now some new gun laws might make a difference?

Offenbach:

I do.

Daily Cup:

Why were you so against them before?  Politico reported that the only gun you’ve ever owned was a hunting rifle.  New gun laws wouldn’t have affected you.

Offenbach:

I don’t like the government infringing on my rights.

Daily Cup:

No one does.  But protections and regulations aren’t for punitive purposes.  They’re to keep us safer.  They don’t work all the time but –

Offenbach:

– I understand that now.  That’s why I support them.

Daily Cup:

Because your son might be alive today –

Offenbach:

Maybe, yes — IF the shooter had to go through even a basic background check, but anyone can waltz into a gun show and walk out with a weapon.  He drove to one a hundred miles away, bought himself a Glock.  IF he hadn’t had so many bullets.  He was a terrible shot.  Out of the 30 rounds, there were only five victims.

Daily Cup:

But you’ve heard all the arguments the NRA makes, and successfully.  You know what you’re up against.  After Newtown, ninety percent of the country was behind new, extensive background check legislation and now we’re nowhere.  We are spineless, shameful, and prosaic.  Republican politicians, and a few Democrats, are more afraid of losing money and votes than they are of losing a loved one.  Statistics from other states and other countries with stricter gun laws point to an effective means in keeping more people alive/less people dead due to gun violence.  Forgive me for being insensitive, but you only flip-flopped because your son was killed.

At this point in the interview, Offenbach shut down.  We sat in silence for several minutes until I saw his shoulders drop.  He let out a long sigh.

Offenbach:

He was my only child.  My wife is staying with her mother because she can’t look at me.  She’s a part of that ninety percent.  Thought I should support new gun laws.

Daily Cup:

It seems to me that the GOP leadership is incapable of empathy.  They sympathized with the Newtown families but it’s not the same thing AT ALL, particularly if it only lasts five minutes.  Because they lack the imagination to put themselves in another’s shoes, and the courage to say no to the gun lobby, we are no further in addressing gun violence in this country.  What would you say to the comparisons being made between you and Senator Rob Portman of Ohio, who only came out in support of gay marriage after learning his own son was gay?

Offenbach:

I’d say personal experience is a powerful motivator.

Daily Cup:

But President Obama, the greater majority of the Democratic leadership and the citizens of this country are not motivated by personal experience.  We’re motivated by empathy.  Most of us have not been victims of gun violence. Most of us don’t have homosexual children.  Most of us here in California are perfectly capable of driving and talking on the phone at the same time, but when presented with statistics that showed we’d be safer as a whole if we switched exclusively to hands-free, collectively we accepted new rules.  How can we convince the GOP to be leaders in sensible new gun legislation – not because of tragic personal experience – but through empathy?

Offenbach:

I’m not sure.  Most of my colleagues have expressed sorrow for my loss while avoiding eye contact with me.  I had a friend diagnosed with pancreatic cancer a few years back and I made excuses constantly why I couldn’t see him.  Heck, I couldn’t even call him because I was afraid that by acknowledging what he was going through, by being with him…like it was contagious or something.  So I suppose you’re right.  We’re afraid to be empathetic.  If they look me in the eye, they’ll have to feel some of what I feel, including the guilt of all the money we’ve taken from the gun lobby.

Daily Cup:

In 1980, California mother Candy Lightner buried her 13-year-old daughter who’d been killed by a drunk driver.  She started MADD and the estimated 30,000 drunk driving deaths that year have been reduced nearly in half, twenty-five years later.  Change takes time.  New gun control legislation – NOT punitive measures taken upon gun owners – won’t erase gun violence but it can certainly reduce it, more and more as time goes by.  The next Adam Lanza, Jared Loughner, or James Holmes may not have been born yet.  But in eighteen years, or twenty, if he goes to buy a gun and can’t, or can but not a large magazine, less people will die, including maybe someone’s son out playing baseball.  Does that sound about right to you?

Offenbach:

It does.  My colleagues have to look me in the eye when they tell me there’s nothing we can do.  I predict several of them won’t be able to, enough that we can tip the congressional balance in favor of sensible legislation, starting with universal background checks.

Daily Cup:

I hope you’re right.  Thank you for talking with me.

Offenbach:

Of course.

Read these articles:

Republicans Still Not Ready for Gun Control, Plotting Filibuster Instead by Joe Coscarelli

Don’t Know Much About Gun Laws by Joel Benenson and Katie Connolly

Armed Correlations by Adam Gopnik

The Second Amendment is All For Gun Control by Adam Winkler

Congress is back this week from their break (because they work so hard and effectively) and will address new gun control legislation.  At this point, the gun lobby is winning in ways they could only imagine in their dreams.  If only they could imagine losing a loved one to gun violence.  Call Congress.  Here’s how.

Some thoughts on current events that have nothing to do with motherhood:

The Pope: we’ll see.  He’s a Jesuit, which, according to my late father who attended Fordham, is the only order of priests worth belonging to.  Francis cares deeply about the poor and pays hotels bills on time and in person – great.  But it’s safe to say he won’t inspire radical changes within the doctrine of the Catholic Church, the changes essential for continued survival if it’s to recover from scandal and then remain relevant.  Until priests can marry and women can be ordained, I’ll continue to support my husband’s Anglican ways.  I realize permanent change happens slowly but it requires leaning into the direction of that change as a baby step.  Pope Francis exhibits no such leaning tendencies.  Too bad.  It feels like a missed opportunity – though I don’t think the conclave ever even saw an opportunity in front of them, or were aware of its necessity.  Therein lies the problem.

It came as no surprise to hear a judge struck down New York City Mayor Bloomberg’s big soda initiative.  As Justice Milton A. Tingling of Manhattan said, it was “arbitrary and capricious”.  You could be denied a big soda at a restaurant but walk down the street to the corner grocery and get all the Coke you wanted.  But that isn’t the point Sarah Palin, you childish idiot.  (Which perhaps makes me sound like a childish idiot for calling her names, but still…)  Bloomberg didn’t put the soda ban in place to demonstrate his power and illuminate big government.  He tried to draw attention to the fact that millions of New Yorkers (and Americans in general) are overweight, out of shape, and dying while costing the country billions in medical care.  Shame on him.  Let’s make sure that Big Food continues to support our need to kill ourselves, one Big Grab bag of Doritos and Big Gulp at a time.

Motherhood – it’s complicated but of this, I am sure: you pay now or you pay later.  Over the course of a weekend, any weekend (but specifically this last), my children hate me for brief periods of time.  I’ve asked them to pick up dog poop, clean their closets, hand over their cellphones at mealtime.  Occasionally, I don’t let them do the thing they want until they’ve done the thing they abhor.  They think I’m mean and sometimes, I am.  But I’m not doing them any favors by handling everything for them or conversely, letting them make a decision that isn’t theirs yet to make.  In other words, I’m still the boss (as is the husband, occasionally), which is how they’ll learn to be the boss of themselves one day.

Spring has sprung in Los Angeles and with it, the smells of night-blooming jasmine, orange blossoms, and my childhood.  No other time of year takes me back quite as much – to being nine- and ten-years-old, hiking around the hills of Encino and getting ready for the Miss Softball America season.  Life was uncomplicated, I was happy, and my parents were alive.  I miss my mom.  Just sayin’.